am i not yours?

i've been having some jealousy issues. i don't know what it is. i've changed a lot and i really want to be monogamus but i don't know if i know how to be. i prefer to have queerness be an open option and no serious relationships with anyone else. the thing is, i still love with Mads, my danish long-distance loverboy undeniably and irrevocably. 

i don't know though, that we should continue our relationship because emotionally, i can't handle Adam being with other people and he is the person i am with everyday,  my primary. we take care of each other and have become best friends. i feel very selfish because I'd like to be nonmonogamus in principle but in practice, with Adam, i can't. 

he is SO easy to fall in love with, so charming and flirty and it's something i am glad for and appreciate but it also drives me insane.. He's got many lady friends and He hangs out with my attractive, wonderful lady friends alone all the time and it doesn't bother me but i don't like being away from him. i love spending most of my spare time with him alone and with friends and the thought of him being intimately and romantically involved with someone else, especially a cis-lady is scary to me. maybe that's fucked up but that's how i feel. and i feel so ugly about it. Adam's in milwaukee with some girl i don't know who he has sexual and romantic history with and it makes me so uncomfortable and yet Mads is in love with some girl in Denmark and fucking his roommate and i don't feel bad at all about that. Our relationships are very different. Mads and i can be a million miles away with much security and genuine love for each other. i need advice. isn't it shitty to leave someone you love because of someone else and not because you've fallen out of love with them? is it better to just save the drama and chose the simplest, easiest route? i don't knowwww. i'm confused and afraid of losing love and ending up all alone. i'm going to start seeing a therapist because i need some sort of objective opinion of all of this. or else i'm gonna go crazyyy.

til next time.......