a day in the life of: nuerosis

Changes

again, i'm sad. i can't help but feel like i've lost who i was. i feel boring and like old news. i'm 21 years old and can't stand that i feel this way. when people ask me what's new...i have nothing to tell them.

i haven't performed, i haven't made anything, organized anything, work isn't exciting, i haven't written anything, i am not any better at the guitar...(in fact, i'm much worse...) everything in my life, excluding the people in it....seems so damn trivial.

alli have are old stories about mercedez, but that's not who i am at all.

i love my boyfriend and i don't want to spend much time away from him.
i prefer to be with him than to be alone most times and i'm wondering if that's a problem.
Perhaps it doesn't feel so unhealthy...i guess i'm fully aware it wouldn't kill me to be alone.
I just am paranoid that Ive gone mad and lost my sense of independence. I've been out of town without him and he's been out of town without me but there's just something that feels too unfamiliar about being with someone ALL the time. even if I'm enjoying every moment spent together. even though I don't resent any moment spent together...

I wonder if i should just get used to this me i do not recognize

does anyone remember when i didn't feel lame at parties. I couldn't wait to get there and now sometimes it seems I can't wait to leave. I still have fun most times but how awkard I've gotten is unrecognizable. I may have laughed if someone told me I'd be socially awkard.

i've just been feeling very much like i've lost someone or something that was really important. I'm nostalgic and lonely but i've never felt more loved by any one person than I do with Adam and I am very appreciative but maybe I jsut need to be more motivated to do other things. have adventures. and not necessarily alone but maybe? I never really prefered alone time and I don't think I ever will.

-sigh- it's time to see a shrink.

when it rains it pours

it's been so rainy here in the chi-town.i looove thunderstorms but not when i'm caught in em without the umbrella.....heh heh

yesterday was mine and adam's 5 month anniversary and things are going quite well. i bought us a pizza and we snuggled up and watched stranger than fiction. i cried because i realize how lucky i am to have someone like adam in my life. i know sometimes he can be a pain in the butt and i can too but,  he gives so much of himself for me and he loves and understands me so well. i really appreciate him and feel so lucky. almost unworthy but that's silly because a princess deserves nothing but the best.

i think i've figured out that i want in terms of polyamory. i think i want to be with adam primarily with the freedom to be with other women here and there. i don't want, nor can i handle anything serious with anyone else. and I've got to figure out where things with Mads will go. I'm certain we will have SOMETHING forever. I havn't talked to him in weeks,not on purpose, just because we are both always broke. too broke to communicate.

Winne and Alex are gone. they've been gone for a week already and it's so strange. Going dontown feels pointless if i'm not working or visiting Adam.because everyone's an asshole. at least when i was stuck down there i could visit my chinita bonita and alex sometimes but that's not an option anymore.

but on a better note, my house is amazing and super fun to be at. we'll be having a housewarming soon. The neighborhood ain't so bad. i met a lady named Naughty who seemed pretty cool. she gave me her number and told me if i ever needed anything i should call her.


well.... til next time

am i not yours?

i've been having some jealousy issues. i don't know what it is. i've changed a lot and i really want to be monogamus but i don't know if i know how to be. i prefer to have queerness be an open option and no serious relationships with anyone else. the thing is, i still love with Mads, my danish long-distance loverboy undeniably and irrevocably. 

i don't know though, that we should continue our relationship because emotionally, i can't handle Adam being with other people and he is the person i am with everyday,  my primary. we take care of each other and have become best friends. i feel very selfish because I'd like to be nonmonogamus in principle but in practice, with Adam, i can't. 

he is SO easy to fall in love with, so charming and flirty and it's something i am glad for and appreciate but it also drives me insane.. He's got many lady friends and He hangs out with my attractive, wonderful lady friends alone all the time and it doesn't bother me but i don't like being away from him. i love spending most of my spare time with him alone and with friends and the thought of him being intimately and romantically involved with someone else, especially a cis-lady is scary to me. maybe that's fucked up but that's how i feel. and i feel so ugly about it. Adam's in milwaukee with some girl i don't know who he has sexual and romantic history with and it makes me so uncomfortable and yet Mads is in love with some girl in Denmark and fucking his roommate and i don't feel bad at all about that. Our relationships are very different. Mads and i can be a million miles away with much security and genuine love for each other. i need advice. isn't it shitty to leave someone you love because of someone else and not because you've fallen out of love with them? is it better to just save the drama and chose the simplest, easiest route? i don't knowwww. i'm confused and afraid of losing love and ending up all alone. i'm going to start seeing a therapist because i need some sort of objective opinion of all of this. or else i'm gonna go crazyyy.

til next time.......

money worries.

there are so many reasons for me to hate summer. i hate sweating, i forget to drink water, every outdoor event is crowded as hell, sex with my sweetie is [almost] too sweaty.....
many punk shows do not have air conditioning, i don't look all that great in a bikini and no one wants to get a massage when it's 100 degrees out. i'mma strugglin for the dough. tryin to figure out if i should just apply for some shitty part time job just for the summer while business is bad in massage world or if i should just find an other hustle on the temporary.  the thing is i'm not very motivated to be good at anything. wahhh.

in other and better news.. me and my 3 lovely roommates signed the lease on our apartmets and i successfully with the help of my best men, my day,boyfriend adam and good friend brian, moved all of my shit from the old squat house to the new house. i'm just a little worried abiut the folks who remain at the ole squat. it's really a disaster. as much as a disaster the place is, i cant help but to feel like i am abandoning my child that just went down the wrong path. but...there's really nothing left to fight for. the space is occupied by rats and revolutionary minds that i'm afraid are far too optimistic. i can only hope that those who have the energy and confidence to keep fightng the good fight in order to pave the path for a rent-free future for everyone, will do so successfully, but i am tired. one can say i'm selling out and they're probably right but i am not the kind of person that's going to lead the world into a revolution they are neither asking nor ready for. i am content taking life as it goes and making an impact on the people closest to me and that is not wrong or less radical.

about my new place, all everyone says is bad things about the place. about the gang wars and robberies. my roommate overheard aneighborhood girl saying, "hell no i'd never live here this block is crazy!" and all of our parents were less than happy when they found out where we were moving. i'm happy to have a beautiful home with three beautiful people but i hope i don't have to feel uneasy for too long. linnea and i went to the botanica on halsted today just to look a nd i ended up spending my last monies on a candle for Oshun. i will make an altar to her to seek protection from her and her mother Yemaya. goddesses of the water to which i closely identify. it gave me a bit of peace of mind. we also bought a blue and white candle to maintain peace and harmony in the house. some hippie shit right? hah.

today i am sitting at work. its 820. and i've found myself frustrated that i have only one client today leaving me the whole day to think abiut how someone i used to call a good friend who now hates me for no apparent reason is intruding on my circle of friends and showing up being fake as hell. she's probably lonely and thst's everyone else's problem i guess but i dont want her near me. hopefully i dont get caught up in the negativity she brings to my soul thinking thoughts (that will not end in good karma for me!) hopefully she stops coming around when she realizes everyone knows she a phony or hopefully she grows up a litte. if not then, all the worst to her and all the best to me and my beloved lovely loves.

til next time, cyberjournal!

firstpost.

hello blog world. haven't posted my thoughts and feelings on the interwebs since xanga or livejournal (embarrassing.) hopefully i won't feel the same way about this, though i do believe i am more mature (at least by a little) and a little more selective of the information i chose to share on the internet. i can only wonder why someone would want to know how i am thinking or what i am feeling. i guess i am nosey and i'm probably not the only one though so we will see how this goes.

my question to other bloggers...
how long did it take you to come up with your blog name because i think it took me two hours.

xxxxxx

this is how i feel in social situations sometimes....