Changes
again, i'm sad. i can't help but feel like i've lost who i was. i feel boring and like old news. i'm 21 years old and can't stand that i feel this way. when people ask me what's new...i have nothing to tell them.
i haven't performed, i haven't made anything, organized anything, work isn't exciting, i haven't written anything, i am not any better at the guitar...(in fact, i'm much worse...) everything in my life, excluding the people in it....seems so damn trivial.
alli have are old stories about mercedez, but that's not who i am at all.
i love my boyfriend and i don't want to spend much time away from him.
i prefer to be with him than to be alone most times and i'm wondering if that's a problem.
Perhaps it doesn't feel so unhealthy...i guess i'm fully aware it wouldn't kill me to be alone.
I just am paranoid that Ive gone mad and lost my sense of independence. I've been out of town without him and he's been out of town without me but there's just something that feels too unfamiliar about being with someone ALL the time. even if I'm enjoying every moment spent together. even though I don't resent any moment spent together...
I wonder if i should just get used to this me i do not recognize
does anyone remember when i didn't feel lame at parties. I couldn't wait to get there and now sometimes it seems I can't wait to leave. I still have fun most times but how awkard I've gotten is unrecognizable. I may have laughed if someone told me I'd be socially awkard.
i've just been feeling very much like i've lost someone or something that was really important. I'm nostalgic and lonely but i've never felt more loved by any one person than I do with Adam and I am very appreciative but maybe I jsut need to be more motivated to do other things. have adventures. and not necessarily alone but maybe? I never really prefered alone time and I don't think I ever will.
-sigh- it's time to see a shrink.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
when it rains it pours
it's been so rainy here in the chi-town.i looove thunderstorms but not when i'm caught in em without the umbrella.....heh heh
yesterday was mine and adam's 5 month anniversary and things are going quite well. i bought us a pizza and we snuggled up and watched stranger than fiction. i cried because i realize how lucky i am to have someone like adam in my life. i know sometimes he can be a pain in the butt and i can too but, he gives so much of himself for me and he loves and understands me so well. i really appreciate him and feel so lucky. almost unworthy but that's silly because a princess deserves nothing but the best.
i think i've figured out that i want in terms of polyamory. i think i want to be with adam primarily with the freedom to be with other women here and there. i don't want, nor can i handle anything serious with anyone else. and I've got to figure out where things with Mads will go. I'm certain we will have SOMETHING forever. I havn't talked to him in weeks,not on purpose, just because we are both always broke. too broke to communicate.
Winne and Alex are gone. they've been gone for a week already and it's so strange. Going dontown feels pointless if i'm not working or visiting Adam.because everyone's an asshole. at least when i was stuck down there i could visit my chinita bonita and alex sometimes but that's not an option anymore.
but on a better note, my house is amazing and super fun to be at. we'll be having a housewarming soon. The neighborhood ain't so bad. i met a lady named Naughty who seemed pretty cool. she gave me her number and told me if i ever needed anything i should call her.
well.... til next time
yesterday was mine and adam's 5 month anniversary and things are going quite well. i bought us a pizza and we snuggled up and watched stranger than fiction. i cried because i realize how lucky i am to have someone like adam in my life. i know sometimes he can be a pain in the butt and i can too but, he gives so much of himself for me and he loves and understands me so well. i really appreciate him and feel so lucky. almost unworthy but that's silly because a princess deserves nothing but the best.
i think i've figured out that i want in terms of polyamory. i think i want to be with adam primarily with the freedom to be with other women here and there. i don't want, nor can i handle anything serious with anyone else. and I've got to figure out where things with Mads will go. I'm certain we will have SOMETHING forever. I havn't talked to him in weeks,not on purpose, just because we are both always broke. too broke to communicate.
Winne and Alex are gone. they've been gone for a week already and it's so strange. Going dontown feels pointless if i'm not working or visiting Adam.because everyone's an asshole. at least when i was stuck down there i could visit my chinita bonita and alex sometimes but that's not an option anymore.
but on a better note, my house is amazing and super fun to be at. we'll be having a housewarming soon. The neighborhood ain't so bad. i met a lady named Naughty who seemed pretty cool. she gave me her number and told me if i ever needed anything i should call her.
well.... til next time
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